erasure

inexplicable is the erasure i feel when i walk into a room and no one gets that i existed, was socialized and presented as an afab person for 36 years before beard, rivaled only when that room is filled with queer faces

the relationship with my trans-ness is a way for me to reconcile separation imposed by society in my body. the tension between our society’s performance of gender through violence, oppression and exclusion and the sameness of all things, the subatomic particles coursing through all matter is what i am exploring and, the latter, celebrating and in union with

my trans-ness has never been an abdication of my birth body. i love my birth body, I love my stretch marked hips, i love my top surgery scars, i love my bleeding and orgasm-ing pussy and i love my bearded face. i don’t perform gender, i express spirit in the body i was given at birth and i love the polymorphic states and the queerness of nature, my nature

i don’t know what it is to be a man

because i don’t know what it is to be a woman

i know what it is to be alive

i do know what it is to be treated like a cis man in this society. i do know what it is to be treated like a cis woman in this society

i do know what it is to be treated like an anomaly, like a puzzle someone never had to figure out in this society

this gifts wisdom. this gifts grace

gender aside, my divine love, anger, power, grace and spirit has always been transmitted through my heart and my cunt, no amount of hair on my face or extra testosterone i inject in my skin contradicts that. i suppose that is my favorite thing about being trans, external erasure doesn’t matter when i honor my truth and don’t erase myself for society’s sake